Parenting is an art. An enjoyable adventure that requires a lifetime to create a masterpiece! Results are permanent, often magnificent, if focussed. Intriguing, complex, and fascinating making life meaningful!
Poornima Sunkara
When a child is born, so does a parent! They both grow together and evolve into individuals they “ought to be and/or choose to be”!
I did not think so much or expected myself to be as responsible when I became a mother for the first time. All I cared about was a baby girl to doll up and feel good about having someone to charm and show off with. Probably all moms did too! Being a parent is not difficult, but what follows is. In reality, being a parent is far more than offering food, shelter, education, and love. Preparing these small hapless babies into responsible, empathetic, and trustworthy citizens of the world is on the shoulders of the adults around them.
A recent article about irresponsibility in youngsters and disrespect for adults caught my attention and got me thinking. It went viral, apparently said to have been written by an elite senior celebrity, one of India’s Software giants. A common narrative about young adults not helping parents in the household and speaking disrespectfully, and not being empathetic to the elderly. It quotes as inference “we also need to tell them that howsoever big and rich and famous they may be, their parents shall always be their parents… children can never be their equals, let alone be their bosses!” Believe me, the instances in that article were about young women!
Personality is part nature and part nurture! Men or women, if youngsters are disrespectful or irresponsible and superficial, they did not drop out of ‘Nowhere’ just like that! Who raised them to become such individuals? Whose responsibility is a child until s/he shapes into a fine young adult?
‘Children mimic behavior around them’, a befitting and possible explanation I can think of. Whose responsibility is it to give them the first taste of anything valuable in life? Children mold to fit in. They soon begin to develop the taste for “entitlement”.
Most parents like to coddle their young ones not letting them partake in the family decisions or errands. Even worse if they are boys – always raising them with the feeling of entitlement. Parents make these choices based on their own feelings of denial during their childhood. They convince themselves ‘I had a hard life growing up, I want to do it differently for my children.’ This is common in almost every modern family.
“Baby doll, you sit, mama will offer water for them…stay focussed, your work is more important!” Mothers stretch themselves farther and beyond for kids. Fathers on the other hand, “no matter what, I will get you into the finest University there is! Fret not!” Children feel “OK great! I can relax. Why should I work hard?” Their parents had just communicated and authorized them to continue being selfish and irresponsible, and not care about anything else.
Not everything is taught! Children have an incredible ability to pick vibes and silent messages around them and make their own analyses to form opinions. If left to continue, they will grow up into adults carrying the same undesirable opinions they developed through their naive minds’ evaluation. They are able to draw conclusions subtly from their observation around, including the treatment given to themselves or others. They have the finest analytical abilities, that come from inherent logical reasoning every human being is born with. It shapes up based on the environment they grow in, despite their inherent nature.
Peer pressure affects both parents and children in identical ways. If you look around, for most parents children are a project. They want theirs to be the best in their network of family and friends. At around 6 or 7yrs of age, they are enrolled in a ton of classes that the child barely cares about. How otherwise can they earn ‘Wow,-you’ve-done-a-fabulous-job!’-compliment. While ownership of cool gadgets is for youth to gloat about, splurging their hard earnings for International education or top business schools for their pampered lot is to fulfill not just their ego amidst relatives and friends, but also their unfulfilled childhood dream. “I couldn’t have this when I was a kid, I want my child to have it.” If this is the case, why are youngsters alone blamed for not being future-ready?
It was different when I was growing up. Things did not come easy. As a teen, I had to wait years to earn something I craved – Vocal music training! My parents promised Music lessons with a senior vocalist as a gift ‘IF’ I passed my board exams with good scores, in spite of being a class topper. Unlike now, it did not come as a grand gift soon after, I had to remind and demand until I encashed what I earned. All for Music lessons! Despite limited resources and means, I remember sneaking ways to go after my love. Back then, only a few families had a radio or a tape recorder. If you are lucky, a TV with 1 channel that telecast for just 2 hrs. Even though it was seemingly hard, this taught perseverance and resilience in children.
Now, while most parents do agree with all these hard fun facts of yesteryears, it all seems baffling for them to put into practice with their own kids. That is the question we need to ask rather than blame it all on youngsters! How have we failed in parenting that our own parents did better than us?! For some, this responsibility is too much to handle, and opt for boarding schools! Then, why have a child at all, if you chose not to watch them grow with you! I think the best part of parenting is the way children make us better individuals!
Technology rules the world! Without a doubt, higher education and learning in the 21st century are hardly holistic without the internet. Parents complain about children not focussing on education and complain about distraction with devices and screen time. But, who gave them access to a device first of all?! Even for adults, impulse control on gadgets is hard. Is it fair that we expect children to act mature and exercise great impulse control against a whirlwind of heavy magnetic distractions!? How fair is that anyway? How we manage and explain the fine balance to youngsters is indeed another parenting lesson for a rainy day.
As parents, we take all measures to give the best for our children, but the failure in understanding ‘it is not in the material possessions but in the values that shape them into self-sufficient and well-equipped for future’, is disappointing. Sadly enough, the child doesn’t care to know the lengths the parent had gone to get him a future that he can be proud of later? In the eyes of the child, obviously, it was a cakewalk.
Truth be told, young children are malleable, and partaking in errands in the house only makes them independent, self-reliant, and empathetic beings. No point in blaming them that they are not supportive later on. Parents dote, pamper and spoil them when young and cannot expect them to be suddenly helpful and accommodating as they become weaker. Parenting is a process and traditionally it was a much better job done than now. There is definitely a grain of truth in the traditional parenting style.
“What you give is what you get!” Children have to be shown the path to being independent and that can be implemented only by showing them, making them do it, and involving them. This is a process and a hard one, which most new-age modern parents cannot afford time for. Not having this paternal-aided direction, youngsters develop a high sense of entitlement that gets deeply ingrained. The same attitude is reflected not only in the family but also in society. They expect everything to be done for them and/or provided to them. They question laws and blame authorities and everything they can grapple on. Their view of being ‘individualistic’ is far from reality or truth. Only suitable for Instagram posts.
Involving the children gives them a sense of belonging in the family and they would sprout into individuals entwining with family members rather than into islands, selfish and superficial.
This is my strong and personal point of view! I have young children too and I “am trying” to raise them to be equal contributors to the family and show them their responsibility to society too!! I can only try! Rest is for the future to tell us!! After all, personality is part nature and part nurture!
Parenting is indeed an art and takes a lifetime to carve out a masterpiece. I imagine a world of committed parents to bring out different flavors to cherish and posterity to flourish!
Poornima Sunkara
Educator, Orator & an Explorer!
A parent of 2 strong-willed individuals – Exploring, experimenting and enjoying the adventure of parenting and evolving as a better person every day for 14 yrs and counting!
